Words

Words. Words suck. You can't take them back. Now I've said some dumb things. Especially leading up to today. Today was not a good day. But these words are about something I said a number of weeks ago. Coming off of a relationship high. An awesome concert. It was a ride from Tim Horton's with a girl from class. The conversation involved things going on and nobody having a good year. And I blurted out words that would later be tough to swallow. They went something like this. "2011 is awesome so far. It could be one of the best of my life. I feel bad that everyone's having a bad year and I'm having a good one."
A plethora of dumb mistakes and more words I would later regret left me just a number of weeks later, on one bad day that erases the great year. And its March. MARCH! I am so frustrated and angry and lost and confused. And I have no way of expressing it except in this stupid blog. Stupid. All I have to express myself is a word that I would not deem appropriate and it rhymes with what hockey players play with.
I feel like such a failure. Like all I've worked for, and lost, only to get back, and lose only to get back once again has been taken away once more. And its worse than anything I have ever imagined. And my words are not just empty feelings on this page you may or may not be reading. They are emotions. They are regret. They are remorse. They are a searing pain through my shattered heart. I had dreams. I had a plan. I can't feel anything anymore. I want to want something else, but I can't.
I feel incapable of anything. A man without confidence. I wrote a song just over three years ago. It was the first song I ever wrote. It was called broken and empty. Now I'm not saying that because I feel it again, even though I do. I am saying it because it was the first song I ever wrote. And the only song I've ever written that was written at a point before I ever had feelings for this girl. And those words from that first song will be instilled in my mind for a long long long time.