December.

December is a month that people either adore or despise. I've always been more in the center. Like most things, I'm in the middle unable to choose which side I should be on. Obviously December is the month of Christmas. Or I guess if we're being politically correct, its the holidays. And for some reason it is associated with stress. Everybody gets so busy and has so much that they need to accomplish. Or they have terrible memories of the season that they just dread it every single year. Now I am not one to tell you to stop being so busy, to stop thinking of those terrible memories because I do the same things. Every year I find myself forgetting what it is all really about. I find myself on boxing day, or Christmas day looking back and realizing I not once considered why Christmas exists.

But this year I've been challenged to read the Christmas story from Matthew and Luke. To put myself in their place. The shepherds. Mary and Joseph. The wisemen. Just thinking about being in any of their position would have been amazing. They all heard directly from Angels with a message delivered directly from God. They were given the opportunity to meet the Savior of all the earth shortly after His birth. It was a day of joy. Celebrating the birth of a baby. The birth of our Messiah. The Son of God. It was a time of great jubilation.

So why do we get so stressed out and busy and distracted of its meaning? I can't change how my attitude was at this time last year or the year before. But this year I will be celebrating the birth of my Savior. Choosing to reflect on what it means to have been saved and not mulling on the stresses that mean absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Merry Christmas. God Bless.

Expectations.

Frazzled. I thought in writing that title a blog would just flow from my fingertips but it just got me into thinking and now I'm here twenty minutes later with nothing but the word frazzled. It is literally the best word to describe my feelings. I have virtually gone from every angle of the perspective to another and back again. It's been like one of those line graphs and the higher the line goes the better. It bounces between the bottom and the almost bottom, and just when the line makes an attempt to move anywhere close to feeling great, it drops right back to the bottom. Now I've been honest with people, and completely understand it is all entirely my doing. I think I've heard stop being so hard on yourself like 4 times. But I'm not going to. There is no reason to. And the more I think about it, the more I realize how much worse I was. If I'm not my harshest critic, I'll never amount to anything. And I don't even think as low of myself as possible. I am sure there is more that I've done that I don't realize. I'm sure of it. But if I weren't such an awful person, there would be no need for a saviour. So at least I am in need of that. There is a positive.

,

I will never be able to forgive myself.

Misery.

True feelings are something that don't belong on the internet right? I mean, if I'm going to honestly tell you how I'm feeling the way you three (that actually read my blog) look at me will never be the same. If I really put my emotions into words, it would probably shock and appall you. And social networking is the worst for that. Every single time I log onto facebook or twitter I'm tempted to just give a taste of whats on my mind, but I stop myself. This is honestly going nowhere. I am going nowhere. I've eaten no more than 8 times since Saturday. And that includes a bag of apples and a granola bar (at separate times). I've ran twice. Ran. Me. Running. Extensively. I weighed myself. I weigh 9 pounds less than I did two weeks ago. I walk a lot. I can't sit still or my mind wanders wayy too far off. Like scary far off. Scary for a guy who enjoys Final Destination, and Piranha. And it won't go away. It will not stop. I just, I don't know. THE END.

One Bright Spot.

I have been known to have impeccable timing... Ok, maybe not. But last week, I called the next band to play on the radio. Crazy that it happened. I know. Today it happened again. I caught "Pumped Up Kicks" at the whistling and was like nuts, but then I thought to myself, don't worry it'll be on when you change it. And it was. Crazy. That's not the bright spot. I remembered ten minutes ago that Needtobreathe is on Leno tonight. Obviously I tried to find an east coast stream of NBC, I turn it on in time to see the band performing their new single, Drive All Night. Awesome. But to tell you the truth, I only heard the last chorus. So I guess it wasn't really a bright spot on the day.