Contentment.

A strong word. It doesn't seem it. But it is. I think in some odd way its the main focus we all have in life. We seek it more than anything. As wrong as it may be. Its naturally what we do. I have been making the mistake my whole life of pursuing it. The problem with contentment, at least with me, is that I will always be seeking it. Although my mind is finite, there is no point where I can simply just be content. I can't be content with who I am. I can't simply because my expectations for myself are so high. They are practically unrealistic. Yet for some reason I cannot just be content with who I am.

For those of you that know me and want to know where this is going. Here. I love music. It is probably my biggest passion. I have probably spent thousands of hours learning, practicing, writing, playing. My biggest dream would have been to put my music out there. Being famous was never part of it, being successful wasn't even. I locked myself in my bed room to learn how to play guitar. Learning Best of You was one of my prouder moments. And from there it was a snowball and next thing you know I'm fairly decent, playing in a worship band, writing on the side. All the while keeping my dreams on the back-burner. Here I am, years later, and its still the same. The sad part is I have 5 of these songs recorded in my itunes library. Just hiding out. For some reason my fear of someone not liking my music outweighs my desire to at least put it out there. This fear is probably so great because of people like myself who like to bash music they don't like. Maybe thats just my excuse. Maybe I'm just afraid I'll change dramatically if things go well. Or that I won't. I guess my main thought is that if I don't put my songs out there, that I will not be able to be content. I already feel like that may be the case.

Like always I find myself with words on the page, no structure. No direction. Just thoughts.