Expectations.

Frazzled. I thought in writing that title a blog would just flow from my fingertips but it just got me into thinking and now I'm here twenty minutes later with nothing but the word frazzled. It is literally the best word to describe my feelings. I have virtually gone from every angle of the perspective to another and back again. It's been like one of those line graphs and the higher the line goes the better. It bounces between the bottom and the almost bottom, and just when the line makes an attempt to move anywhere close to feeling great, it drops right back to the bottom. Now I've been honest with people, and completely understand it is all entirely my doing. I think I've heard stop being so hard on yourself like 4 times. But I'm not going to. There is no reason to. And the more I think about it, the more I realize how much worse I was. If I'm not my harshest critic, I'll never amount to anything. And I don't even think as low of myself as possible. I am sure there is more that I've done that I don't realize. I'm sure of it. But if I weren't such an awful person, there would be no need for a saviour. So at least I am in need of that. There is a positive.

,

I will never be able to forgive myself.

Misery.

True feelings are something that don't belong on the internet right? I mean, if I'm going to honestly tell you how I'm feeling the way you three (that actually read my blog) look at me will never be the same. If I really put my emotions into words, it would probably shock and appall you. And social networking is the worst for that. Every single time I log onto facebook or twitter I'm tempted to just give a taste of whats on my mind, but I stop myself. This is honestly going nowhere. I am going nowhere. I've eaten no more than 8 times since Saturday. And that includes a bag of apples and a granola bar (at separate times). I've ran twice. Ran. Me. Running. Extensively. I weighed myself. I weigh 9 pounds less than I did two weeks ago. I walk a lot. I can't sit still or my mind wanders wayy too far off. Like scary far off. Scary for a guy who enjoys Final Destination, and Piranha. And it won't go away. It will not stop. I just, I don't know. THE END.

One Bright Spot.

I have been known to have impeccable timing... Ok, maybe not. But last week, I called the next band to play on the radio. Crazy that it happened. I know. Today it happened again. I caught "Pumped Up Kicks" at the whistling and was like nuts, but then I thought to myself, don't worry it'll be on when you change it. And it was. Crazy. That's not the bright spot. I remembered ten minutes ago that Needtobreathe is on Leno tonight. Obviously I tried to find an east coast stream of NBC, I turn it on in time to see the band performing their new single, Drive All Night. Awesome. But to tell you the truth, I only heard the last chorus. So I guess it wasn't really a bright spot on the day.

Unexpected.

You know that moment where the phone rings in the middle of the night, and your thoughts immediately expect the worst? Why would someone phone the house at 1230? Someone's dead. Or seriously wounded. Something had to have happened thats not good to warrant a call to the home phone at this hour. So you lay in your bed hoping its nothing. Playing situations over in your head. What it could be. Grandpa? Something happened to him. No, that wasn't it. Could something have happened to her? Probably not, because if something did it would be my cell phone. But if it had, just the mere scenario playing through in my head brings a pain so deep, I can barely take in my next breath. The phone stops ringing. No movement from anyone, it must be ok. The phone rings again. The pain returns. I guess it isn't pain, so much as fear that something has happened. Figuring something is actually going on, I can't bear the thoughts in my head so I scramble off the air mattress into the hallway to see if someone has answered the phone and figure out what is really going on. I open the door only to see the phone flashing on the ledge. With my heart trying to decide whether it should keep racing or stop completely, I answer it. "Hello?" I gasped.

A computerized voice then notified me a text was sent to our landline, saying "Hey, whats up? Who is this?"

Turns out it was a wrong number.

Brief

Yesterday was not a good day. Some may call it terrible. I would. But anyways, after getting out of work nearly an hour late, I think it can not get any worse. And then my favourite song comes on the radio (downgrade from terrible to bad....). Only to realize it was already the next day.